How do you start a money conversation with your significant other or partner in your relationship?

When you go out dating over a meal, do you ask, “How was your day – and what’s your number or which income group are you in, honey? Is it B40, M40, or T20, or do you have any credit card outstanding balance?”

Definitely, the money conversation is not something to focus on too early in a relationship. Neither it’s a conversation that you want to wait until you walk down the aisle, nor worst when all the credit card bills show up.

Many studies found that money is the leading cause of stress in a relationship, which often leads to breakups or divorce. Money issues can come up at any point in a relationship:

• when you are dating
• when you decide to stay together or get married
• when you decide to have children
• when buying a house, a car, or a vacation
• even when you decided to break up or divorce

So when is the best time to start the money conversation in a relationship?

The best time to start talking about numbers with your significant other is when they begin to mix with yours and have a significant effect on yours, and vice versa.

No matter at what stage you are in your relationship, it’s never too late to start a money conversation. Everyone has their own beliefs, habits, and experiences about money which contributes to how they manage things like budgeting, spending, saving, and investing.  

There are 5 money conversations you need to have with your significant other or partner:

1. Manage your financial expectations early

We all have different money stories and attitudes toward money. Some people are spenders and some are savers. So when your relationship gets serious (within 1-2 years), your money habits, spending style (especially the less favorable ones), or debts should be out in an open and non-judgmental way.

If one person is pushing for fine-dining every weekend when eating out, while the other would prefer a home-cooked dinner, it’s worth discussing the difference in spending styles.

What feelings or thoughts do you have when it comes to money?

What do you like/hate to spend money on?

What are your greatest money issues so far?

When it comes to money, it’s important to know each other’s core values, future goals, and priorities. Basically, you want to know what your partner is looking to do with the money and his/her life.

Being open and honest about your financial expectations helps set the stage for a healthy relationship. If you wait until you have money-related issues mean it’s too late as the emotions are high, and irrational decisions will likely be made during the money conversation.

2. Sharing your numbers

Money is going to impact any choices you and your partner decided to make. So when you are getting serious in the relationship, it’s time to have a more frank talk about money to know what the respective money situations are and to map out a plan for your financial future. Both of you need to disclose where each of you stands, financially.

You may start the conversation with yourself as an example,” I will be so glad when I am done with these study loans…honey, do you have study loans? I still have X amount, how about you?”

Are you buying a house?

 Have kids?

Dream vacation?

Retire early or later?

Sharing your numbers is where you go over all the basics such as how much each of you earns, owe, spends, and saves. Neither of you needs to be perfect, but you do need to be open, honest, and respectful during the conversation. This is critical to bring harmony and understanding in the relationship to establish a strong foundation for your future together.

3. What are our money goals?

Having money conversations may not come naturally. But it may be easier if you start with ‘what if’ questions:

If you won the lottery, what would you do with the money?

If you had to choose between working hard every day but making a lot of money versus working 5-day-week but enough for living, which one would you choose, and why?”

If you had enough money, would you/your partner/spouse want to continue to work?

Alternatively, you can also bring up money goals that you are working on, say saving for a dream vacation, paying down study loans, starting a new job, or planning to buy a house sooner than later. This is where both of you will talk in-depth not just sharing your numbers now, but your plans for it currently, and whether or not your financial attitudes and goals are aligned with one another.

Again, it’s fine if your money goals aren’t perfectly aligned at the moment. Be considerate and respectful of your partner’s wishes and habits. Both of you simply have to be willing to make sacrifices and compromises to accomplish those goals together.

4. How are we going to do it together?

In reality, couples are never going to agree on everything, and their money situation is going to affect one another. It’s completely normal if both of you have different opinions about money.

It’s how we manage those differences that are more important.

1. Work out what are the differences of opinions or attitudes on money, and see how both of you can adjust and compromise halfway.

2. Have a plan for managing shared expenses.

• Decide on the shared expenses-will you split the bills equally?
• Open a joint account or keep money separately
• Who is responsible for managing the household finances
• Detail out a “yours, mine, and ours” list of household items

3. Prepare a joint budgeting spreadsheet in order to keep track of the money and where it’s going, regardless of how you structure your bank accounts. Most importantly both of you must be on the same page when it comes to budgeting for your common goals such as starting a family, a dream vacation or buying a new future home.

5. Hold each other accountable

Identify what are the common financial goals that both of you can work hard towards a financial future together. This helps you to make decisions on financial priorities in terms of budgeting and hold each other accountable for the actions needed to achieve the common goals.

What’s the next step for you (and me)?

What changes will you (and me) make?

What support do you (and me) need? From whom?

How will we measure success?

If you have personal money issues and are hesitant to start the money conversation, talk to a financial planner. Having a rock-solid comprehensive financial plan can help you feel more confident to open a dialogue with your partner about budgeting, paying off debts, and saving up for future goals together. The earlier you start the conversation and are proactive to plan for it, the earlier you and your partner will be on track to that dream vacation, that new car, or that future home.

The road to achieving your financial goals as a couple is a work in progress. Money talk does not have to be a difficult conversation. So strive to practice compassion and patience towards each other to grow a financially healthy relationship.

What about you? How did you start a money conversation with your partner?